I’ve made a lot of poor choices with my hair.
Sun-In? Yep. Turned my hair orange. But didn’t it turn everyone’s hair orange?
Perms? Check. Even though I had (and have) naturally curly hair.
Banana clips? Of course. I wore one my entire junior year of high school. Mainly, the yellow one, which of course, was the coolest.
But that was back in the day, during the crazy, ill-fated hair era of the 1980s. Think we’ve moved past that nonsense?
Behold some current hair trends and contraptions that are just as ridiculous as banana clips and self-inflicted sun-streaks.
1. The Dryer Bonnet
Touted as a remedy for tired arms, The Dryer Bonnet is nothing shy of galactic. And by that I mean spacey and weird looking, a la Star Trek. Manufacturers claim the device easily attaches to your current hair dryer, prevents overheating of the scalp, and replicates your “salon hood experience.” ($20, Whitesandsproducts.com)
If you act now, the bonnet comes with a cigarette, a glass of whisky, cat-eye glasses and a wood-paneled station wagon. When I’m 80 and/or no longer have arms and/or have time traveled back to the ‘60s, I am so totally going to get this. And I am so totally never going to get laid again.
2. Betty Beauty Bikini Hair Dye
What do we want to do? Send our lovers screaming from the bedroom! When do we want to do it? Now!
Betty Beauty has released a line of hair dyes for, ahem, down there. But these are not just your run-of-the-mill blonde, red or brunette shades. You can choose from pink (FUN betty), fire-engine (LOVE betty), purple (SEXY betty) or — my personal choice — blue (MALIBU betty). MALIBU betty is positioned as that essential “something blue” for blushing brides, and even comes with free wedding stencils.
And, if you need something for that special guy of yours, they also sell chest hair dye. ‘Cause nothing says, “I’m Rupert Murdoch and I’m a bachelor on fire” like burnt sienna manscaping. ($15, Bettybeauty.com)
3. The Noodle Hair Guard
It’s a problem as old as Joan Rivers. You’re eating your noodles, and — bam! — your long hair is suddenly swimming in your dish. I can’t tell you how many times I personally have gotten my mane mixed with manicotti.
This hair protector — intended to be worn while slurping soba — is perfect for a first date, or for those times when you’re posing for your Virgin Mary-with-glowing-halo Glamor Shots.
Sadly, this invention never grew roots. Sayonara, hair bib.
4. The Broot Salon’s Bull Semen Hair Treatment
Take the bull by the horns — or rather, the balls — with this trendy “natural” treatment for your hair. The Broot salon in (where else?) Santa Monica, CA, offers a signature “animal style” treatment (i.e. The Custom Broot Mask, $35), in which they put bull semen…In. Your. Hair.
The treatment’s mastermind claims that proteins in the mixture help repair dry, damaged hair, as well as strengthen and stimulate hair growth. But users be warned: it may also attract amorous female bovines and/or make you puke.
Besides, didn’t Cameron Diaz teach us years ago that such substances just don’t gel with our tresses? Please, Broot: Get out of the jiz biz.
5. The Goatee Saver
Had to add one for the men out there (please pass along to those you know who are obsessed with their goatee). We imagine there have been times they’ve spaced, forgotten they wanted to keep their goatee, and just shaved it off. Or, perhaps they frequently have the DTs and find themselves unable to steady their razors well enough to achieve the desired goatee-to-non-goatee ratio?
Then the Goatee Saver is perfect for these guys. They simply stick it in their mouth (hmmm), and get down to business.
While the original prototype for the Goatee Saver was constructed with modeling clay and popsicle sticks, today’s high-tech model is crafted in China out of plastic and plastic. ($20, Goateesaver.com)
Architects of an ever-growing empire, the Goatee Saver folks also peddle the Head Blade Sport (a Matchbox car attached to a razor, for the meticulous, racy chrome domes amongst us), sexy shirts for your chick and this pen.