The s’mores cookie from Gregory’s Coffee. The chocolate cookies from Smith Canteen. 16 Handles (insert flavor of the week here______________). Pinkberry with mochi. Oh my God the Fruit & Nut Five-Star Bar I never talk myself out of buying at the supermarket. Um, what else? Oh yeah. Dude. DUDE. DUUUUUDE. Those chocolate chip cookies (or sometimes the peanut butter ones, sometimes both) from Jacques Torres. The occasional pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
4 p.m. peanut butter M&Ms from the vending machine at work. Those crappy orange jelly rings — the generic two-toned ones COVERED in granulated sugar? Oh my God I love those. The ones from CVS? Lord, yes. And drugstore York Peppermint Patties?
I’ll miss you most of all.
These are a few of my favorite things made of sugar. My other favorite things made of sugar? Pretty much everything else made of sugar. Are you sensing the self-defeating, Sisyphean nature of the worst part of my diet? Who am I kidding. That’s not even the worst part of my diet (she says, as she face-plants into a family-sized trough of rigatoni bolognese that taste like her emotions). Do I sound disgusting? That’s because I probably am.
Goodbye to all that. Goodbye to you. It’s not you, it’s me. (Well, it’s a little bit you.) And it’s not forever. Just 30 days. So let’s just say “until we meet again.” Because we will.
(Please note: By the time I got to this paragraph, I got up, ate three pieces of chocolate from a promotional box of chocolate my physical therapist sent me as a holiday gift from a dubious-looking company called TotalChocolate.com. By the time I’m done writing this paragraph I’ll probably eat three more. When I woke up this morning, I added an extra little shake of Sugar In The Raw to my coffee just to spite myself and this assignment. Yes, I’m pouting and shuffling my feet. I’m a monster.)
Why give up refined sugar? When I know it’s literally the best-tasting thing? When I know I’ll probably just scan the room (and/or Seamless) for the next worst thing for me, and then go hard on that — so, yeah, carbs, which, you know, become sugar?
Ugh. I don’t know. I guess I’m giving it up… because I’m not four? Because I own a juicer that I guess I should probably start using? Because unlike caffeine or the occasional glass of red wine, there are literally zero benefits to eating refined sugars?I
Maybe I need to experience the natural high all of those ridiculous people who sanctimoniously insist that, “it’s like, such a natural high and everything when you don’t eat sugar”? Blah blah blah, other things they say while I’m too busy mentally GPS-ing the location of the nearest frozen yogurt place. (Don’t they realize that the unnatural high of refined sugar beats any natural high any day of the week?)
Okay. Yeah. So, it’s time to stop. For the next few weeks, at least, I’ll be a virtuous sugar-free martyr. (I may even start wearing Birkenstocks or some other sensible shoe in an un-ironic fashion just to demonstrate my commitment to total virtuousness.) Just don’t be surprised if I have an unholy combination of Jacques Torres peanut butter chocolate cookies covered in orange gummy rings covered in York Peppermint Patties sprinkled in peanut butter M&Ms atop a sundae of Ben & Jerry’s waiting for me on Day 31.
Follow Tamar as she tames her sweet tooth at @tamaranitai.
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