All posts tagged: Break Up

The Things No One Tells You About Divorce

We had just had sex. One minute, we were kissing and pressed against each other and I was in the safest place in the world. The next minute, I was lying alongside him crying and asking, “What do people do in a situation like this?” And he was saying: “Get divorced.” When I met Erik, I had never been in love with anyone. I was 31, and I saw him across the room at a party. My first thought was that he looked endearing, gentle, like he would never hurt me. We talked about his art and my job as a writer, and when we had our first date on a bench in Union Square we kissed for hours and held hands. I felt like a kid, giddy with excitement that someone wanted me on their team. By the time he told me a few dates later that he didn’t want children, I was already hooked. My thinking went something like this: Some people are never lucky enough to fall in love. I found an …

How I Caught My Cheating Fiance and Changed My Life Forever

(Graphic: Helen Jane Hearn/TueNight.com) Please don’t feel heartbroken for me when I tell you my breakup story. I assure you, I am happy. I assure you, I know with certainty that it was best that we broke up. It happened 20 years ago. My heart has long since healed. One other thing I feel like I should preface with: The bad boyfriend is an elected politician in a major U.S. city. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call him Mr. X. There was a lot at stake for me 20 years ago when we dated, when I knew that he would eventually run for office and I felt confident that he would win. I knew how persuasive he could be. And I was already feeling like the lifestyle of a politician’s wife would be too much. But his charm was overwhelming and made me doubt myself and my own instincts over and over again. But the fact remained, I was already dreading being the wife. I didn’t want to have to smile through every event …

One Engagement Ring, Three Divorces

(Graphic: Helen Jane Hearn/TueNight.com) Two months salary. A girl’s best friend. A gift that lasts a lifetime. Our family diamond has been called many things, but it will no longer be called an engagement ring. I’m heading to the jeweler’s to pick up the shard of stone that’s been passed down in my family for three generations, sowing havoc and heartache wherever it landed. Humans have always attributed enormous power to rings. Think of popes, kings, seniors and Lords of — no one ever kissed an earring or bowed to a bracelet. And so, I’m having this ring deconsecrated. It is ready for a new incarnation as a sparkly bauble, no longer a promise of eternal love. After three failed tries, our diamond will be reincarnated as a harmless charm. The diamond was originally purchased by my father, hastily, in 1964. Not long after he thrust it at my mother, I was born in a manner that had the aunts and uncles counting on their fingers and nodding knowingly.  But despite its rocky start, the …

A List of 42 Things in My 40s That I am #SoOver

Lines, thongs, landlines, ear cuffs and bedazzled shoes (which are actually kind of cool in this context). Photos courtesy Etsy, Shutterstock  and Pinterest When you reach this wonderful 40+ phase of life, there are people, customs and articles of clothing that you’ve decided, finally and firmly that, you know what? I am SO over that. I can’t and won’t stomach it any longer — and I don’t need to. These things might seem innocuous to other people, or even delightful to others, but you’ve decided you’ve had enough and you’re finito. And you don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. Let me caveat this first by saying that of course I’m SO OVER hatred, injustice, racism, sexism, homophobia and world hunger more than anything on this list. But this is not that list. It’s hot. I‘m cranky. Allow me to flex my inner curmudgeon. I am so over… Any summer festival where indoor plumbing isn’t readily available. My under-the-bed bin of “someday” clothes. Marie Kondo, much love. People who don’t let you leave before they enter. …

Dumped But Not Demolished

It goes without saying: No one wants to be the dumpee in a breakup. So it’s no secret that some of us are very proactive about dumpee-proofing our dating lives. I won’t say that I’ve been running a 24/7 patrol for dumpee prevention and preemption, but I do like to boast that I’m “dumpee-free since ’93!” Now, that’s dumpee-free with a slight technicality — I haven’t been on the receiving end of a bona fide breakup since I was 17. And by “bona fide breakup” I mean this: The ending of a romantic relationship that has been firmly established. And by “firmly established” I mean this: The guy and I have titles. It doesn’t matter what the title is — maybe he calls me his “girlfriend” and I call him “my man” — but there is some kind of designation that says, “We are officially with each other and no one else.” Another crucial component: We both adhere to our shared identity as a couple. So not only do I say that we’re a couple and he says …

How I Cope When My Exes Are Everywhere

Susan putting the lime in the alcohol-free coconut and drinking it all up. (Photo: Andy Kropa) You know that feeling. Your heart starts to pump wildly and you can feel it booming at hi-fi levels in your ears. Like a corset, anxiety pulls your lungs together so tightly you can barely breathe. Your body goes into flight or fight mode and you either find yourself running for the hills or remaining frozen in your extreme discomfort. You’ve just caught site of an ex. And not just any ex, but one you loved hard and deep. The ending was bad. The parting had been brutal. And just a couple of weeks ago, I had this experience. My husband Andy and I were in the Dominican Republic, staying at an all-inclusive resort for a wedding. Shortly after we arrived, I sat in the breezy open lobby overlooking the ocean, waiting for Andy to return with beach towels — and it happened. I spied an ex on the other side of the room. My face felt hot, and …

Margit’s Note: I Break With Thee

(Graphic: Helen Jane Hearn/TueNight.com) As kids, my sister, brother and I used to listen to Steve Martin’s Wild and Crazy Guy album nonstop. (Thank you, Columbia Record and Tape Club.) One of our favorite quotes was his Wild and Crazy Guy Czechoslovakian character from SNL who described breaking up with his girlfriend thusly: “You just walk up to the girl and say, ‘I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee’ …and then you throw dog poop on her shoes.” We’d fall onto the floor in hysterics. Poop humor never fails. But to this day, when I hear the phrase “break-up“ I think of that sketch every single time. (Those were some formative latchkey years). And, for a minute, I think, if only it were so easy. So final. So stinky. More often, there’s ambivalence and avoidance and anything but a definitive doo-doo drop. You wait and mull and consider whether you’re making a colossal mistake. Or you wonder if there’s something better or simply different out there. But you’re safe here. …

Four Rabbis and the Get: My Jewish Divorce

Pamphlets at the divorce proceedings. (Photo: Lauren Young/TueNight) “He shall write for her a bill of divorce and place it in her hand.” (Deuteronomy 24:1) Anyone who has been through a divorce will tell you that it’s a pretty horrific process, no matter how amicable, how mature or how quick. Separating yourself from another person — lover, best friend and confidant — is painful. By all counts, I had one of the “best” civil divorces possible. There were no fireworks. My ex and I used a mediator, and the overall cost was reasonable. The whole process took less than a year. But that was just our first divorce. Before I get to the second divorce, let me tell you about the wedding. It took place at the summer camp I attended for many seasons as a child and young adult. I walked down the aisle in a canvas gown and Jack Purcell sneakers to the tune of  the Sex and The City theme song. Our campy nuptials even included a sing-along rendition of “You’ve Got a …

This is the Broken Glass: Flotsam of a Breakup

(Graphic: Jayme Perry/Yahoo Movies) There are crazy things your mind does to you after a breakup. You associate every single item and smell and taste and feel that you saw, held, smelled, tasted, experienced together as a reminder. A killing, crushing reminder of him. I walk through my house alone now. Memories flow from every painting, candle and bottle of perfume. It all feels ruined. I itemize: He brought me this art, a picture of tribal lovers. We bought this couch together, on St. Patrick’s — a rare daytime date. He was with me when I brought the dog home. She loved him. This freezer made the ice cubes for our martinis. We sprinkled this volcanic black salt on fresh avocados in the summertime. We ate cheese and tomatoes and pork chops at this table. We laughed. We cooked out of this cookbook. Barefoot Contessa. This kettle made his tea in the morning. Here, is the tea he drank. He always liked this nail polish on me. It’s called Heartbreaker. I made space in this drawer for …

The TueDo List: Hiking, Lloyd Dobler, Exercise, TV and Ice Cream

“I gave her my heart and she game me at pen.” (Artwork: Jayme Perry/Yahoo Movies) Loved them, left them — but you’ve still got the weekend. What’s a girl about town to do? Here’s what. Get Moving It’s a statistically proven fact that summer is the best time for a break up. I just made up that statistic, but I’m standing by it. Because distractions! There are so many of them, and the weather gives you no reason to stay in your house and sulk. So grab a friend who owes you an ear from her own love tragedy and hit a hiking trail near you. Nature is so good for you, and you’ll also be too tired to cry at the end of the day if you walk enough or take a tough route. TrailLink from the Rails to Trails Conservancy is a great guide to local trails nationwide, as is AllTrails, compiled by National Geographic, which include difficulty ratings, elevations, user reviews and photographs. Remember Lloyd Dobler Say Anything’s Lloyd Dobler set the bar pretty high …

10 Things I Learned From Creating a Break-Up Bucket List

Ali can now cross this break-up-bucket-list activity off her list! (Photo courtesy Ali Burns) In late 2012, I had a milestone birthday and my long-term relationship of nine years ended. I had met my ex within weeks of moving to London from New York and so most, if not all, of my life in London had revolved around my relationship. I loved my life and partner tremendously and was hit hard by the break up. Knowing I could easily spend years in bed wallowing over my loss, I realized that I needed to keep myself busy. Looking back on my own role in the failure of the relationship, I discovered that I had completely lost sight of who I was — separate from being in a couple — and vowed never to do that again. I decided that I wanted to live the next stage of my life differently, so I made a list of things that I’d been meaning to do over the past few years but never quite found the time. Some were things …

Our Sad and Funny Last Night Together

Amy and her ex circa 1980. (Photo courtesy Amy Barr) We’ve all had a relationship that should have been over long before it actually was — the kind that had been running on fumes or suddenly became fueled by anger rather than love. That describes the last months of my last serious relationship before I met my husband. Despite the fact that there had been great attraction and affection for the four-plus years that we were together, my then-boyfriend and I eventually both knew it should end, but neither knew how to pull the plug. So the plug pulled itself. On our last night together, we attended the wedding of a mutual friend at the St. Regis Hotel in New York. It was a fancy affair, with endless champagne and other mind-altering substances flowing freely. I suspect we were both trying to push our unhappy reality out of our heads as we partied for hours and then stumbled upstairs to the room we’d booked. It was a long, long night. He felt awful and I …

The Two-Sided Story of a Break Up

The text message says it all. (Graphic: Nancy Gonzalez/TueNight) “When we were good, we were really good,” my ex told me recently. Occasionally, we still talk via text message. Usually sparked by a glass of wine (or three) on my end; a happy hour on his. So, I texted him back with a simple emoticon smile. Do I miss him? Of course. Just as I might miss a long-lost friend. He was dear to me; my bestie. I often say that. I miss my friend and I mean it. During this particular chat we make Beltway jokes. I can feel his smile and remember the way he used to sit next to me at a restaurant bar. His arm wrapped around the back of my chair as he leaned in and beamed. Everything was an inside joke and by the end of the evening the bartender was a member of our secret club. These bits of nostalgia (the ones where I am smiling and not crying while watching Love Actually) are far from how things …

Shop TueNight! Nestle Into One of These Cushions

Whether you’re getting over a break-up, happily co-mingled or satisfied and single, we all need a little comfort in our lives. Or a pillow to bawl into. We get it. But even if you’re not a teary mess, why not devise your own pillow-filled happy place/ reading nook — especially as we cozy up with our weekly batch of TueNight stories. (No, that wasn’t shameless.) To that end, we’ve assembled some of our favorite, most delightful “Maker” pillows in our TueNight Shop on GREAT.LY. By the way, tomorrow is the very first White House Maker Faire day and the first National Day of Makers (#NationofMakers), so this is just another wonderful way to support great artisans and this very site you’re reading right now. Here are a few fabulous items, but click to explore more in the TueNight store!   Khaki linen and gray velvet pillow cover by Therese Winnard, $100 Aztec Arrows pillow by Hannah Holtkötter, $24 Sheepskin throw by Black Sheep, White Light $79 Cushion “Stockholm” by Marika Giacinti, $95 Amini linen yellow pillow sham by Hallie Gray, $54  …

Could I Remain Friends with My Ex?

Love hurts. So how do you remain friends with an ex? (Photo: Shutterstock) For my entire adult life, breakups have been horrible, often occasioned by infidelity and replete with things said that can’t be taken back. Merely mentioning the names of some of my exes often triggers a level of revulsion usually reserved for serial killers. And I’ve never remained friends with my exes. I have plenty of friends. Why pretend to still be civil to someone who hurt me? Ending my marriage was no different. Although cheating was not the cause of our separation, there was too much bad blood between us for my ex and I to maintain even a semblance of friendship. We tried co-parenting, but ultimately, it has been easier to go it alone than to try to force a co-parenting relationship on my ex, or — more importantly — on my kids. When I finally started dating again, five years after my divorce, my first serious post-divorce boyfriend seemed to be the complete package. My boyfriend was kind, considerate, and …

10 Songs to Get You Through That Breakup (Using Kubler-Ross)

An epic breakup deserves an epic playlist, but here’s the problem. Like the beautiful, delicate snowflake that is new love, every sordid, sad split is unique. There are the breakups we caused, the breakups that crushed us, the breakups we sort of suspected were coming from the first date. And within each of the hundreds of different kinds of breakup playlists, there are special songs whose opening notes make only one person gasp in pain — the song that perfectly describes his strong shoulders, her tangled hair, or was the song the two of you heard that one time when you were at that one place you used to go (and now you’re choking back a sob again). So putting together a ten-song breakup playlist is very much like that relationship slated for failure from the get-go: I can’t know I’ll get it right. But using the Kübler-Ross model of grief as our rough guide, we’ll start with the wallowing, move next to resignation, and finally progress to a hearty (if fake for now) pledge …

Margit’s Note: It’s Splitsville

“I don’t think it’s working out with Prince Eric….” (Photo: Adrianna Dufay/TueNight) We’re done. Can I have my keys back? No CDs to divide this time, just digital memories. (Cue the song “I thought you were my boyfriend,” by The Magnetic Fields, on an endless loop.) Maybe we had something, once. I’ll mail you the rest in a brown box. Just give me one last look. This week, it’s not you, it’s us. We’re breaking up, disassembling and remembering how we got through the pain. We’re reminded [clears throat, juts finger into the air] that the love of self has to come before all else. Even if you’re in a blissful relationship, as writer Ali Burns notes, you gotta “do you” to keep any relationship healthy. This week: Ali Burns spends a year embarking on a Break-Up List. Lauren Young gets a Jewish Divorce. Susan Linney sees her exes everywhere. Carolyn Edgar drifts into friendship. Amy Barr parts with laughter. Heather Barmore sees both sides. Nancy Davis Kho gives us the playlist And we have a shop …