Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids
There will be no children in my future. Ever.
Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.
I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.
Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.
Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?
Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:
“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”
I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?
“You’ll change your mind.”
This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”
“But what will you do when you’re old?”
Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.
“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”
LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.
“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”
I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.
“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”
I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.
“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”
Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.
“Good for you!”
Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013.
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Read more by Tamar:
- Can We Please Stop Talking About Kale Now?
- Mad Men and Office Politics: Different Era, Same Drama
- Five Non-Carb Gifts for Carb Lovers
- Women Who Inspire: Jonatha Brooke
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240 Responses
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Steph-a-rella Love this! Your writing is fantastic. It’s like you reached into my head and pulled out my own feelings regarding this. 😛
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rebecca I NEVER went into parenthood expecting my children to take care of me when I’m older. Assumptions like that aren’t why you go into parenthood at all. I’m cool with everyone doing their own thing and choosing to not have kids. I’m glad that those that don’t have kids can band together. That said, does it completely absolve you in supporting children and education in general? I certainly don’t think so. I’ve come across several childless couples who complain about taxes breaks and supporting education or children in general. Well, who’s going to be your doctor when you are old and shriveled? Who’s going to build your retirement home? Bring you a latte? It’s the next generation who will, i.e. the kids of your friends. Just don’t forget that while you chose not to have kids, don’t complain about those who aren’t selfish and have given of themselves to raise and support the next generation. When you retire, you’ll need these kids to perform your hip replacement. Don’t complain about the extra taxes you pay while people with children get tax breaks. We are working hard to raise that generation and yes, it’s occasional tough and thankless. Not having kids doesn’t relieve you of all responsibility in raising the next generation.
I do think they are the most wonderful people on the planet and wouldn’t have done a thing differently.
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KA Sorry Rebecca there is no guarantee you are raising the next doctor or builder of a retirement community. You could be raising the next ward of the state. So no, I won’t always appreciate paying for schools where 91% of the kids are a no-show (a recent statistic out of LA County) and I resent the tax break I don’t receive when I still have pay for millions of people in prison who I did not bring into this world.
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Ruth Dubb How do you equate having kids with being unselfish and hence not having kids with being selfish? And is raising children the only hard work that people do? How in your mind did having children become the end all and be all of existence? You are not on a higher moral plane just because you decided to have parents and you do not get to dictate the responsibilities of strangers.
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Debbie I had the same idea… I will never have kids! Didn’t like them and did not want to commit to raising kids. Then in my early 30’s (& unmarried, but in a long-term relationship) God must have thought I was having too much fun and my birth control failed. Lo and behold I had a baby.
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It was hard, I was not good at being a parent. I was over protective and neurotic. But now my wonderful baby boy is now a fine young man who is on scholarship at Cornell and just got accepted into Medical school.
If I had to do it all over…. Yes I would! It would not have been my choice but I am glad it happened.
PS Don’t take antibiotics if you are on birth control pills, apparently it makes the birth control pills not work… Should of read the package insert!!! -
Jennifer I am a mother of 3, and have known since I was a child that I wanted kids. It was my dream. However, just because it’s my dream doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s dream. Some people dream of being a business owner, going on safari, or traveling the world. And some don’t. How boring would the world be if we all wanted the same things out of life?
I commend you for knowing yourself, and your husband knowing himself, so well that you are obviously secure in this decision. Good for you! I hope that you use that same strength and determination in all the things you do choose to go for, because you will go far!
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Tamar Anitai Thank you, Jennifer!
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Sarah Becker Photography | October Links | New Orleans Wedding Photography […] seem to be meeting more and more people who are opting not to have children – here are some interesting thoughts on the […]
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Amy This is a truly awesome & hilarious article! Thank you for posting it!
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Megan Thank you! I can relate. I posted this on my FB page as well and responses are interesting. There is another response besides the ones you listed. I get quite frequently “But you’d be a great mom.” True, I am capable but I don’t want to be nor do I have to be. There are plenty of people populating this planet.
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Mar Hilariously written article! It was as if you were in my head. I am 30 and my husband and I are happily married with no intention of having children. We have our nieces and nephews to get our kid fix. Best part we can impart our wisdom and give them back to their parents at the end of the day. And yes if we like to sleep more than we like to have children, I think that’s a excellent enough reason to not have them. Maybe the next time someone tells me those responses I will just give them your article lol. Thanks again for the great article.
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St3ph I’m 35. Married for 8 years, together for 10. No kids (but hubby has 2 grown kids from a previous marriage, that I love very much). I’ve heard it all when I say I don’t want kids. I’ve stopped putting up a fight, it’s just not worth it. I’m happy. I’m allowed to be happy. And I choose to do that without my own kids. My choice, our choice. The only choice, for the sake of kids, when you don’t want them. I have a thousand reasons, and they are my own. I don’t judge, and don’t want to be judged. Everyone is free to live the life they want. Want kids? Fantastic! Don’t want kids? Fantastic! Humour always helps getting the message across, whatever the message. Great article. The end.
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Carol Dussel Wow! What a useless bit of teenager’s diary this garbage is. The first-person Q&A has to be THE MOST annoying and overused trope in the universe. The world’s a better place because this “blogging” narcissist isn’t having children. But who really gives a flying f**k anyway. Children…no children….whatever. If this “blog” passes for worthwhile info these days, the gene pool IQ is more shallow than thought. ChrYst…this tripe reads like a take-away from an adolescent girl’s slumber party. It just goes to show, but over and over, that ANYONE can be a compelling writer…just ask them.
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Carol Dussel oops… disregard my previous post. I just read some more of this “blogger’s” posts. I shouldn’t have held such a high standard – or ANY standard for that matter (Target demographic = 17 year old girls)
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Carey Carol.
It’s called a sense of humor.
Or, you just obviously don’t agree. In which case, stop side-stepping having to make an actual point insulting the rest of us who were genuinely entertained by the article. And enjoy having a clever voice out there speaking for us—who are clearly in the minority.
I sincerely hope the first wave of gay writers/bloggers who wanted to speak out about gay marriage and offer a bit of dissent, and did so with a bit of humor, weren’t met with the same condescending brush-off.
Maybe some day this POV won’t be such taboo. In the meantime, thanks to the author for adding hers to the mix!
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Ruth Dubb What adolescent girl’s slumber party has grown married couples who are childless by choice?
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Nicole Bohn Oh how sick I am of hearing the same questions, generally speaking. I will also say that I am very tired of mothers thinking I care about their children, I don’t. I’m not looking at how cute your baby is in that new outfit, I don’t care. Move your comically oversized stroller out of the store I’m trying to move around in to shop, I don’t care you couldn’t find a babysitter and your husband isn’t the “best husband ever”. Please leave the restaurant I am dining in when your children are crying or running around or crawling underneath the tables, this steak is 45$ and your ruining my romantic evening with my sexy boyfriend ; I don’t care no one will watch your kid(s).
I commend you for saying what so many of us women wish we could say. I have chosen to not have children, my reasons are wholly selfish and I am very tired of defending it, or worse yet, trying to be “guilted” into motherhood by supposed happy mothers.
I look forward to marrying the man of my dreams, with the ring of my dreams on my finger, and the dress of my dreams on my body. All over-priced and fabulous, just like my retirement will surely be. All the while knowing non of it will be kid friendly.
Thank you again!
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O07beeutee Bravo!
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Dee I loved this article. I sent it to a friend who is married and doesn’t want kids and she agreed with everything you said.
I wanted to add to your list of silly things a comment people constantly (yes, constantly!) say to me: “You need to have kids now because you’re getting old”. First, I’m 37, not 87. I do still have some childbearing years left. I know women who have had kids well into their 40s. And these days women are even giving birth in their 50s and 60s (the shock, the horror! Damn sorcery!). Second I would like to have kids but I’m not desperate for them and I choose not to have kids before I’m married because I believe kids thrive in a happy, healthy family environment consisting of 2 parents who are always there for them. Yes, I know there are parents who are divorced or were never married who co-parent to raise perfectly normal kids, but MY choice is to at least begin the child rearing within a loving marriage instead of looking for love by having bastard children. I’d like to get a cat or 2 but with my work schedule and my want for travel, I think it would be irresponsible of me to bring them into my home right now so I would have to be considered irresponsibly to purposefully have kids under these circumstances. So if I have kids, great! If not, that’s ok too. Either way it won’t be before I’m married.Scott, you are entitled to disagree with the article but its rude and disrespectful to try to force your opinions on anyone else. If you choose to reproduce and are capable of providing for your kids financially and emotionally and have the time to spend with them, etc. then by all means reproduce til your heart is content or you run out of sperm. But don’t presume to know what’s in the heart of anyone who does not have children whether by choice or because of health problems.
Having or not having kids is not a reflection of how happy a person is and having kids will not fill a void in anyone’s life if they don’t actually want kids. If a person does need to fill a temporary void its better to accomplish this by buying a pet, purse or shoes or even “borrowing” someone else’s kid (that can be returned later without the lifelong commitment or expenses).
It is silly to compare having kids to vacationing. As far as I know, the financial and emotional costs of a vacation are nothing compared to the lifelong commitment of raising a child. Or maybe that’s just me wanting to be a GOOD parent and raise children who can easily transition into fully functioning adults. But hey, if you think you have to get married and then start popping out kids to show the world how darn happy and secure you and your wife are then do your thing.
I have no doubt that we could all be Olympic medal winners if we had the drive and ambition to put in the work it takes to accomplish it. But like potential Olympic competitors, if we don’t feel that motivated and choose to spend our time watching tv then that is our choice to make. You can disagree but its not your choice to make. Although, I would rather you advise your professional tv-watching friend to give up on the couch and train for a few years to win a one-off medal than to advise them to give up sleep for a few years to have children which will change their life forever (and not necessarily in a good way).
Maybe I’m selfish, but I would rather spend my wages on one new pair of shoes than to have to spend several years buying diapers, pull-ups, baby food, etc and when I do feel the need to buy a tiny outfit I have a nephew, goddaughter and children of several friends who I can purchase for. Heck, birthdays and Christmas are enough to remind me why I don’t want any of my own right now.
Not all of us need that particular “adventure” in our lives. Some people think wrestling crocodiles is a great adventure but that doesn’t do it for me either. I didn’t see you promoting that. And the “practice for changing adult diapers” argument is so laughable I won’t even bother with that.To the author: excellent article. Well written with a good touch of humor to a topic that is so frequently pushed upon those of us without kids!
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Dale Moore Liked your article. My wife and I were in the same mindset and we did change our minds. That’s not saying you will or should. I only say that because after we had our one we decided NO MORE. We were and are happy with our one. One was enough for many of the same reasons you mentioned above plus selfishly not wanting to share our time with another kid, what if the next one is a dick, etc
Strangely, we get many of the same comments made to us for not having more as you get about not having any. Plus we get other passive aggressive comments to try to guilt us into starting a baby factory. Isn’t your daughter lonely? She’ll be all alone once you die. She’s missing out not having siblings.
And now that we are starting to get too old to safely have more, they are turning their attention to not encouraging us to procreate more but to make us regret our decisions.
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Michelle DiPoala Soul sister. I wrote mine at 42, too. Last year. High five!
http://superlowbudge.blogspot.com/2012/05/four-little-words.html
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Sahara Scott– I’m with you
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Samantha After reading all the back and forth..I’m so pleased you ridiculously self righteous people wont be polluting the Earth further with your genetic code…the Earth is far to over populated Raising solid human beings to become stewards of this planet is one of the most important jobs. If you can’t hack, the hard work, dedication to life and genuine discomfort of raising the next generation..thank the universe because we dont need softies like you in the future because i bet its gonna get rough. When im 80, ill sleep better. WORD to Scott!!
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Scarlett P Wow. How absolutely uninformed this person is. She assumes she’s being all witty and hip writing this ignorant article. She’s probably assuming she will never develop a debilitating disease in old age, will never die, or her friends will never die, or her husband will never die. Everybody’s gonna be immortal and disease-free! If she’s lucky enough to live into her 80’s or beyond, does she think some sort of senior home will take care of her? Because yeah, they’ll “take care” of her alright. She should have first gone into these places and taken a look at the absolutely horrible conditions these poor people are living in. Even the best facilities with the most caring people are a long and painful death sentence when the residents have no contact with family. And it’s baffling how she thinks the Golden Girls is somehow a fantasy she will eventually become part of, but really, how many people do YOU know are actually living like that in real life (that you can count on more than 10 fingers)? You might as well do something that will land you in prison for life because at least there, you might be lucky enough to be murdered by some disgruntled inmate instead of suffering a horrible existence. Alone. And most likely with some incurable health issue.
I’m a gen Y woman, and I have more sense than this idiot and her posse of “Gen-X sistas” who believe life is somehow better with their made-up fantasies about how to live, instead of cracking open a history book and discovering that, oh, maybe human behavior really hasn’t changed course in the last 5000+ years of civilization. Who will defend you, stand by you, keep you from scams, save you, love you, care for you more than your own flesh and blood in your old age when your mind is playing some serious hallucinations on you? Boy, are they going to do a number on themselves. Should’ve paid attention in school!
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Michelle DiPoala Scarlett, the entire point is: it’s a choice. The writer has a choice, so do I, so does every woman. Our forebears fought hard for it, and all of us who took up this particular flag and marched with it. Your point, to the degree t which you have one, is that we’re going to need caretakers when we’re old. My dead grandfather used to say a similar thing when he was beating the shit out of his five kids and his wife, “Whaddya have kids for, ta take care a ya, dat’s all!” You have the same world view as an off-the-boat old-country misogynist. Gen Y FAIL, my dear.
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” —Oscar Wilde
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Carey Thank you, Michelle.
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Lisa Having kids just so someone will be there when you pass away or care for you when you’re old and sick and confused is cruel.
I watched my mother die horribly after a long, painful battle with cancer. I’m currently watching my father die slowly and painfully from Primary Progressive MS. He cannot take care of himself anymore, so my brother and I are doing it for him. I love my parents more than anything and I’m glad that my brother and I are in a position where we’re able to care for our father. But, this is the worst thing that any of us has been through.
I know what it is to take care of an aging, confused parent. I’m glad to do it for my dad. This year I started demonstrating symptoms similar to my dad’s initial symptoms. We don’t know what it is yet, but my husband and I know this: we’re relieved we don’t have children for it. I would NEVER want to put a kid, even a grown kid, through what my brother and I are going through right now with our dad.
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Ruth Dubb How does choosing not to bear children lead you to believe that the writer thinks she is immortal and will never die or get sick. What does one have to do with the other? If it’s so children can take care of you when you’re older, that is the most selfish reason I could ever imagine. Bringing another life into the world so they can be your indentured servant when you’re old and sick is despicable and probably won’t work in the long run. Nursing homes are filled with people whose children don’t visit them.
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lawngnomejack Having children does not guarantee that they will care for you when you get old. There are plenty of people who do not give a shit about their parents, sick or not. No, no one would likely care more for you than your own children IF THEY GIVE A SHIT. But they might not. And what a truly awful reason to have children (if indeed it is one of your reasons). And sure, it’s possible that my kids might be well-behaved and never scream or have tantrums (but they will poop, and make other messes), but not having kids is a much surer way of ensuring that I never have to deal with those things, and that’s a fact. No kids, no problems that come with kids. Sure, also, no kids, no benefits that come with havng kids. But those benefits are not guaranteed, and I’d much rather stick with the known guarantees of not having kids than the hope that my kids will be awesome and then being disappointed if they are not.
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Yamashita So we should procreate out of fear? Wow what a great reason to have kids! I will tell all my friends and neighbors about this- btw… is one or two kids safe enough? no no- i know stupid question, right? Anyways wish me luck!
-I am a Dude and I hear this kind of crap too… oh you will change your mind, trust me.. really pisses me off.
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Amanda G I worked in a retirement home where we did take care of elderly people, and most of those people I took care of had children not taking care of them, they were too busy living their own lives and some were already fighting over the money they were going to get. I also know an elderly woman who had 3 children. One died at a young age, the other two decided to never have kids. She has no grandkids and her kids pay someone else to take care of her. She is actually my parents neighbor and they check on her often too and help her. I have a child but I did not have her to take care of me or so I would not be lonely and if I had I think that would have been a little selfish even though that happens all the time I guess. Not that I won’t be glad if she does take care of me and keep me from being lonely at times of course but that is not why I had her. I am also not going to have another sibling for her simply so she won’t be lonely, even though some people tell me I should. She is constantly around neighbor kids and her cousins, and my husband and I both have siblings and we don’t even get to see that often and they live 20 minutes away. Unfortunately families are not as close as they used to be and I hate that but I have learned having a personal relationship with God and being able to make new friends easily that I don’t ever have to be alone. Even though I am married with a child I realize noone needs kids or grandkids or to even be married to not be alone. And what would I do if I lost my child and husband, just go quickly get more so I won’t be alone? Not that I am saying I would never remarry or have more kids but I would not do it just to not be alone, that is using people but it happens all the time.
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Scarlett P But then again, I suppose if we’re going to go by survival of the fittest, then she and like-minded ilk SHOULD be eliminated naturally for having the thoughts of a moron, living like a moron, and holding the values of an uneducated moron. I just hate the fact that her vote counts the same as mine.
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J Marie Scarlett, I am a married childfree woman- and you couldn’t be more wrong. Of course we know that our friends and families are going to die eventually. Death is part of life. However, I don’t want to bring a child that I really don’t want into the world just to have someone to take care of me when I’m old- watch a few episodes of Deadly Women or Snapped and see how many adult children kill their elderly parents because they get tired of taking care of them, or ask any social worker about elder abuse that involves adult children and their elderly parents. Ask any nurse who works with the elderly how many elderly people with children actually have visits from their families, and how many are forgotten. Having children is not in any way a guarantee that you are going to give birth to people who are going to be willing or able (in the case of mental and physical disabilities) to take care of you. Obviously this article struck a nerve- why does it really bother you so much that there are people out there who just don’t want to have kids? It’s obviously not the fact that you are genuinely concerned for her languishing in a nursing home. But I don’t have or want kids, so I’m just a moronic moron who obviously doesn’t know anything about anything that has ever happened in the world at all. Personally, I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them, like my own mother did- I know I’d be a shitty mother and I don’t want to pass down any of my health issues. But I guess that’s just me being a moron.
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Carey So what’s your point? Why are you even here? You go about criticizing people for their choices on a daily basis? Is your end goal here to try and get people to do things they don’t want to do because you feel like it’s right?
In case you missed it, she wrote this in the first place as a clear response to all the unsolicited crap she has been getting. She’s essentially being attacked, standing her ground, then you’re blithering about because you have a problem with THAT.
Geez, lady.
You need to go get a hobby.
If we all wanted the same things out of life, wouldn’t that be a little boring? I know you’re better than blinding insulting someone and their “genetic code”—simply because she doesn’t feel the same way you do.
People like you & Samantha are actually the ones holding society back. “And that’s obvious.”
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Ruth Dubb Why are you mad then? If she shouldn’t reproduce, she is doing what you think she should do. Why shouldn’t she have the same civil rights as you? You realize we live in the USA, right? Not having kids has never been considered a reason to deny somebody the right to vote. If you crack open a history book, you should learn that.
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Anna Dear, sweet, ignorant Scarlett… I would LOVE to see what would happen if YOUR children grew up to be childfree. Would you also reject their ideals? I doubt they would support and care for you if you shamed them into parenthood.
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Being childfree has literally no effect on YOUR life. However, forcing a woman to have children is the first step in societal downfall.
Children are not a fallback plan in case of bad health, they are not a tax break, they are not a thing thay exists for your emotional comfort, and we have absolutely no obligation to have and raise them.
I know you’ll try to fight me on this, because again, you’re pretty ignorant. First, I have a question. Give me at least five examples of how someone else choosing not to have children effects YOU. Not them, or the ‘potential child that could have been’. No, cut that bullshit right out of your answer. How does it effect YOU directly? C’mon… Five reasons, we’re waiting…
Your belief that everyone has to have kids is the exact same as the belief that everyone should have abortions or be sterilized. Both are totally unacceptable standards to push onto another human being. And quite frankly, if this is how ignorant you are online, I can’t imagine what your ignorance is like in real life. Perhaps, you should rethink parenthood, as it is most typically a role suited for mature adults. Your poor, poor children.
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Gina Marie I loved this blog post, and thanks for sharing. I also don’t want kids and have had the misfortune of getting some silly responses from women who don’t understand. The worst comment I ever got, though, has actually been said to me by a few different women, and I’m shocked by it. Upon learning that I don’t want kids, these women actually said to me, “What’s wrong with you?” Can you believe that? It’s one of the dumbest, most insulting things anyone has ever said to me.
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