Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids
There will be no children in my future. Ever.
Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.
I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.
Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.
Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?
Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:
“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”
I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?
“You’ll change your mind.”
This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”
“But what will you do when you’re old?”
Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.
“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”
LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.
“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”
I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.
“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”
I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.
“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”
Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.
“Good for you!”
Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013.
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Read more by Tamar:
- Can We Please Stop Talking About Kale Now?
- Mad Men and Office Politics: Different Era, Same Drama
- Five Non-Carb Gifts for Carb Lovers
- Women Who Inspire: Jonatha Brooke
(Graphic: Kat Borosky/TueNight.com)
240 Responses
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Sara It’s fine that you don’t want to have children, but there’s no need to be all condescending when someone tries to convince you otherwise.
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Michelle DiPoala WHY SHOULD ANYONE TRY TO “CONVINCE ME” OTHERWISE. Hey look, there is the point flying right by… *head desk*
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Lisa Because someone trying to convince us that our life choices are wrong isn’t condescending at all.
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St3ph It’s all kinds of wrong to try to convince other people that their life choices are wrong. Everyone makes their own choices, none of them are “wrong”, even if you don’t agree with them…
When I read this blog post I was delighted. But the more I read comments (on either side) the more I was sad that adults cannot have a conversation without getting into personal attacks on beliefs and opinions of others. I realized that no matter how strongly one believes in their opinion, it is just that, an opinion. And by definition an opinion is neither right nor wrong.
No one has the right to impose an opinion on others; sharing is what opinions are for. Regardless of my thoughts on the matter I try not to judge others on theirs, and everyone deserves the same respect.
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Tori Well, I think the people who made the “life choice” to be a rapist or a murderer or other kind if criminal were probably “wrong” in their decisions. Centuries ago when there weren’t that many humans around and life expectancy was half or less of what it is now, the decision to be childfree was a much, MUCH bigger deal than it is now. Problem is, culturally we haven’t grown out of those ideas, even though our birthrate is far higher than our deathrate ( http://www.ecology.com/birth-death-rates/ ) and so there is no longer any need for such a high reproductive imperative. Culturally we need to really start accepting people who decide not to have children, because we’re fast approaching more humans on the planet than we can adequately provide for.
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Carey Condescension in this case is an appropriate, efficient response to rude & unsolicited opinions. Unsolicited opinions are about as cool as cancer.
UNSOLICITED.
Think on how many times you’ve enjoyed unsolicited opinions about your life choices.
That’s what I thought.
“It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar.” (Anaïs Nin)
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Eric “My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus” cracked me up, but maybe she’ll reconsider that too…
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O07beeutee My mother had me because she wanted someone to love her unconditionally. She was unmarried, poor, and hopeful that a child would fill a void. My father broke up with her as soon as she became pregnant, and tried convincing her to have an abortion. Would I have known the difference? Absolutely not! Did their poorly thought our life plan for me and themselves create a tight loving bond? Hell no! Most of the choices my mother made while I was a child were completely selfish and narcissistic and tuned out badly for me. I spent the first half of my life recovering from my childhood, finding True North all on my own and avoiding the pitfalls that many damaged children fall prey to ( apathy, drugs, crime, ignorance). I decided when I was young that parenthood was not for me. And I’ve always been of the opinion that if I change my mind, I will adopt. Or teach. Imagine having an entire class full of kids that you are paid to be with, and you get evenings, weekends and summers off! I taught at-risk youth for a health clinic, many young women who had it much worse off than I did. Many of these emotionally damaged youth embraced the natural biological desire to reproduce and popped out babies like Pez dispensers, just assuming that welfare is the way to go. And seeing that they were treated so callously by the failed adults in their lives, they saw no problem with continuing the cycle of abuse and neglect.
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These young people are the ones I’d like to mentor into a healthy space, before they pass it on. Neither I nor anyone needs to have their own offspring, there’s plenty of unwanted babies and children here already. I, like many of the people who’ve commented here already, know that I wouldn’t be able to provide for offspring the way I believe offspring deserve to be raised: in healthy loving nurturing homes with parentS who genuinely are loving and devoted to the adventurous journey.
Selfish? SMART!
(I am in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams, and we agree that parenthood is great for some, but not us. We prefer the already-grown, just-need-guidance variety.) -
Tori I used to never want kids. I had pretty much the same opinions as you about all of this, except we never married (still have not) and we don’t have that great an income (I dunno what you make, but we’re raising a family of 3 on less than 30k/yr without gov’t assistance, and we do okay – nobody goes hungry or cold). Our daughter was a bit of a surprise, and we then discussed it at length and decided that our lives needed a change. Having a baby seemed to be the right catalyst – since nothing changes your life more than a child does. If we had been as comfortable in our lives as you and your husband are, we may not have made the decision we did, probably for the same reasons as you.
But I mean, that’s the entire point of having kids, is to change your life. If your life is comfortable without them, and you see no need or have no desire for change, then by all means, don’t change. I do think it’s erroneous to think that you will never change your mind, though. Strange things happen to people as they age, and you never know when or if your biological clock is going to do a number on you. So to say “I will never want kids” is to try to predict the future. You can speculate that you might never want them, but you won’t know for sure till you’re on your deathbed. So even if you’re hard against it now – it only makes sense to leave the door open a crack.
I am always conflicted when I see intelligent, successful people decide not to have kids. On one hand, I know that there are enough unwanted kids in the world, too many kids don’t have parents who love them enough or pay attention to them enough, and the last thing we need in the world is yet another child whose parents didn’t want them or can’t properly care for them (both emotionally and physically – you might be able to provide for all a child’s physical needs and still not be able to relate to them). We’ve got a global population problem that we don’t need to add to.
On the other hand, it’s my strong opinion that it’s the intelligent and/or successful providers that should be making more of an effort to have (or adopt, or foster, or even teach) children, because if there’s one thing the world needs more than population control, it’s proper parenting of the kids that already exist. It’s not specifically your job to do that, of course, and if you and your husband live your entire lives without becoming parental figures of one form or another, I doubt the world will be any worse off in the long run. I guess I just wish that more people paid more attention and effort to the well-being of future generations, instead of just deciding that children are just little servants/accessories/nuisances that are Somebody Else’s Problem.
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Ruth Dubb Plenty of intelligent, successful people are having kids. Since I was little I knew I never wanted kids. I’m 46 now and I have no regrets. I never changed my mind. My brothers’ kids are enough.
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8 Silliest Things People Say When I Tell Them I Don't Want Kids […] following was originally posted on TueNight.com, a weekly online publication for women to share where they’ve been and […]
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Sandy I really relate to this article too. I’m not as strongly convicted about my choice to not have kids as the author. Or rather, I am, but I still have that sense of possibly regretting it. I think the line I appreciated the most was that I’d rather regret not having kids than have them and regret them. So refreshing to hear I’m not the only woman who feels this way.
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Karyn Thanks for the fantastic (and funny!) article. My husband and I have never wanted children and we get those same exact responses that you mentioned. I don’t bother having friends who do not respect our choice.
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Whatjj I have to comment because of the pretentiousness of the author. It’s a false sense of security. Her choice to not have kids was thought in the same way “Should I go to college” or “what should major in”. She only has to pass the childbearing age and she’ll be right where she wants. But she’s not taking into account all the variables in life. what happens when her husbands knee blows out and she finds herself dipping in the 401k to pay for him to get better? What happens if he were to die and the next guy she loves wants to have kids? What now? She’s also assuming that the kids aren’t going to give back at some point, they could be more financially able to take care of her when she can no longer work than any money she can earn in this lifetime. So this whole article is a farce. Truth is she’s afraid to live or afraid to die and this decision just gives her a little comfort to think she’s in control. I’d tell her to ask her parents “how much money would like to have instead of having me”…. sounds like a ridiculous question, doesn’t it? …. anyway, that’s my 2 cents.
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Ruth Dubb It is a farce to decide to have kids because your husband’s knee might blow out and you find yourself dipping into the 401(k). How does having no children relate to the possibility of an expensive physical injury? And what does it have to do with possible widowhood later on and meeting somebody who does want kids? Actually your scenarios suggest that it is better to be childless since you might need that money should catastrophe strike and you want to give a 2nd husband his own children and not your progeny from a previous relationship. And how does being childless relate to fear of life and death? And guess what: she is in control of her own reproductive choices. Why does that offend you so?
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Jackie Wow. After reading all of this selfish, vitriolic, and narcissistic crap, I am totally convinced that most of you responders should never breed – even if you can. Bravo to you, Scott.
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Ruth Dubb How is it selfish and narcissistic to be childless? And if most of us responders should never breed, why are you angry? The childless are remaining childless just as you said they should.
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Adrianne I love this article. Im sorry i didnt read it sooner. I am 32 year old married woman. Ive been married for 3 years but together with my husband for 13 years. We do not have children and we are completely happy with how our life is. This choice that we made with each other does not mean in anyway we are not commited to one another. I love my husband and he loves me. I too have received many many comments and looks from others on why i dont have children. The response i give them is its emotional aspect i can not dive into. Which is the truth. They look at me with a puzzled look.
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Please write more Tamar…..Once again thank you for your words. Best of luck to you! -
Travis I would say you have a very good grasp on the subject of parenting even without being a parent I don’t have any caution towards people who don’t want to have kids some people just never will and I do think if you are going to have kids limit it, get a vasectomy if you have too, only have two I don’t like the world continually growing in population but I will say that once you have kids you become attached to them, no matter what you think they make good friends and you couldn’t live without them life is a risk but it is a risk that is worthwhile
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Thomas I think all the discussion here is totally moot. People like Tamar who doesn’t want children are perfectly fine. She just won’t get to pass her genes to the next generation and there will be fewer people like her. Don’t like people who don’t want children? Just wait a few generation, and all of them will disappear forever!
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Ruth Dubb By that logic gay people would have disappeared ages ago.
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Ostoba reakciók a tudatos gyermektelenségre | Eszmetár […] Forrás: Tue/Night […]
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MrSatyre “…we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live child-free.”
I was unaware that it was a law anywhere that you had to have kids, or that perhaps someone was threatening you otherwise.
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Ruth Dubb She never said that it was a law to have kids. Nor did she say that anybody was threatening her. The title of the article is “Silly Things People Have Said To Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids.” And social pressure to have kids does indeed exist and people who opt not to have kids hear silly reasons for why they should.
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Ummer Farooq (@faro0485) Thea peace of God and paradise be for you from above,
i just saw this over at Alternet and I thought …”but I’ve seen a comedy scetch of this exact line from a movie called Idiocracy (2006)”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icmRCixQrx8 – Have a look at the opening trailer
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Ben Dover People who don’t yearn for children should not have them.
My mother never wanted kids, she was pressured into it by family. She says that when I ‘popped out’ that she instantly loved me and would never change me for a second BUT she was never maternal, she never baked cakes with me or played games, I don’t remember many cuddles or just doing any crafts or anything interesting with her, she never really did anything that mums do (or maybe I just can’t remember). I remember being naughty and her kicking me and saying she “wishes I was never born”, I remember her telling me that she hated me, I know she couldn’t wait for me to leave home. I know I was a difficult child, it must have been hard for her because my parents struggled financially. But I never felt loved. It’s hard for me to write Mother’s Day cards because it feels fake.Maybe I’m a glass is half empty kind of person, I don’t know. I just feel resentful towards my mum because I never felt loved, and from my childhood I only seem to remember bad stuff, maybe I’m just negative, I have figured it out yet.
My point being, that if people are not maternal or born with the ‘mummy gene’ they can make lousy mothers.
Yeah sure my mum wouldn’t swap me for the world now, I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, she is so proud of me (now I’m out of the house and independent)…. blah blah blah….but it sure didn’t feel like it when I was growing up.
You should only have kids if you REALLY REALLY want them. Otherwise it’s not fair on the child.Encouraging a child-free person to have kids is like encouraging your male gay friend to marry a women, what may be natural to one person, does not feel natural to the other.
If you want kids, then have them and be happy.
If you don’t want kids, don’t have them and be happy.This whole argument goes round and around because people will never agree to disagree.
Not having children should only be an issue and cause people great offence and anger, when the human race is nearing extinction, but I think we are ok on that one for the moment. No need to panic.
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Amanda Halm At 32, I don’t have kids either. Put me in the maybe column and I get a lot of these comments too, which sucks because it’s such a personal decision. I like travel. I like long hours by myself. I like having a savings account.
Reading this is super refreshing because no one says it, everyone just makes me scared that not having kids makes me a super selfish weirdo. Also, I love the line “my body is also capable of having a gang bang..” super funny.
Thank you thank you thank you.
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William Dear Tamar,
Thank you for your great article, so well written and humorous. I have re-posted it to my tumblr blog and I have a friend who re-posted to Facebook. I wish your article could be distributed at places where young women congregate who lack the fortitude and words to respond as you did to those comments. I wish you had written this 10 years ago.I am child-free and love that choice for my life. Sadly, it cost me the proverbial ‘love of my life’ who fell prey to parental, co-worker, and friends pressure to be like ‘everyone’ else and have children. So we parted and she had two children. Four years ago she called me out of the blue to say that she regrets her decision and it has not been everything that it was made out to be…”a highly over-rated experience”. Then she cried over what had been lost between us.
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I have never looked back since then; I have retired earlier than my peers, traveled the world, and I am truly happier than most of my friends who are parents, based upon what they confide in me.
Keep up the good work, Carpe Diem -
OhOkaySure As someone who would LOVE to have children, (but is single and getting older so odds are pretty much against it), this makes me happy and sad. I think your answers are amazing and thoughtful and funny and spot-on. The part that makes me sad is how a personal choice gets questioned by other people so often that you have to actually defend yourself.
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mswatts The true joy of parenthood comes with the blessing of grandparenthood.
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