Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids
There will be no children in my future. Ever.
Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.
I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.
Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.
Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?
Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:
“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”
I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?
“You’ll change your mind.”
This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”
“But what will you do when you’re old?”
Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.
“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”
LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.
“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”
I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.
“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”
I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.
“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”
Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.
“Good for you!”
Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013.
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Read more by Tamar:
- Can We Please Stop Talking About Kale Now?
- Mad Men and Office Politics: Different Era, Same Drama
- Five Non-Carb Gifts for Carb Lovers
- Women Who Inspire: Jonatha Brooke
(Graphic: Kat Borosky/TueNight.com)
240 Responses
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Elizabeth I totally respect your decision not to have kids. Its as personal as the decision that each person has to make about having kids and you do not deserve to have people offer their commentary on your decision. However, since you posted a public piece about this, I am going to offer my commentary on one point. I think the decision to not have kids just because you recognize that you are selfish is silly. Its like saying you don’t want to get married because you are selfish. And yet marriage, like having children, is a relationship that requires sacrifice and teaches us the value of putting another human being’s needs before our own, which is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you have to become a door mat for your kids, or husband, or anyone else. Relationships help make us better people. If being selfless was a prerequisite for having kids, or getting married, or being part of a family, or having a roommate, or being employed in a setting where you will have colleagues, then none of us would qualify.
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Alice If you are writing this blog and placing it on the internet, then you are wishing to find validation from others. You must then believe that you actually want kids. By placing it up here, people responding with your own views, hoping to confirm that what you are going is what is best. If you truly believed that what you were doing was right then you would care what others thought. Everyone attacking those with different views to your own, get a life. Having children is a deeply personal event. If you really don’t want to have kids, thats fine, but don’t complain to those that have given everything they have and put it into something to help the future.
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OrderlyMind I find it interesting that parents assume that, by having children, they are “helping the future”. There is as high a likelihood that a person will harm the future or help with a child, and the likeliest outcome is that they will, at best, have no tangible effect (as this is the case with most people – few of us have any impact on future). It really depends on what your children become and there are never any guarantees that your child will end up helping anyone or anything. No parent expects to give birth to someone who will grow up shooting up an elementary school, selling or using drugs, or ending up living off of entitlements instead of being a productive worker, but some people do have such children.
It can also be argued, and has been for quite some time, that not having children is the best thing you can do to “help the future” as resources are finite, jobs are scarce, and there are already enough people out there. The future, at this point in human history, is best helped with fewer people, not more. If you are happy to have children, good for you, but asserting that it “helps” the future is dubious.
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Jessica Married 10 years and happily childless.
Finding validation in the fact that you are not alone is not wrong.
Poor Alice, she must have kids. I reckon most responses come from those who are so defensive because they had kids. It’s sad, I do not know 1 single couple who have ever planned a pregnancy. They have all been accidents, be it happy or otherwise. My sister has 2 children and she said never to have them. My own mother said the same. If someone cares about you, they will understand your decision and respect you. If not, they don’t care about you, merely protecting their own principles at your expense.
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Carey I am amazed at how vehement some child-having people are in this thread, and disparaging of the childless. Why the anger? Why the judgement? I just don’t get it. What the heck does it matter so deeply to you whether we have kids or not???
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Miya You’re totally right. All you have written makes sense. And I believe you’re pretty brave to admit to the world how unpleasant and selfish you are.
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Miya By the way, I don’t believe someone has to have kids or want kids to have a fulfilling life, nor to be a great human being of course. It’s only your vindictive, passive aggressive, selfish, mocking way to address it I don’t like.
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Ruth Dubb You use the word selfish a couple of times which leads me to believe that you do in fact view it as a moral duty to procreate. You cite no examples for your pejorative descriptions of the author. How is it vindictive to list the things people say to those couples who choose to be childless? You never explain your point.
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Scoot Great Blog! I agree with you on all your points and have felt the same way most my life. Then…dunno something weird happened: I saw kids with their parents and thought “I want one of those”. It was like an instinctual clock got turned ‘on’. It doesn’t make sense; why would I want to put decades into an expensive exhausting often annoying project? The answer – instinct. The same instinct that makes me want that girl with the pretty smile and great boobs, the same instinct that makes you appreciate your husbands hair. So great article, freaking hilarious comparisons, good points, just…don’t underestimate instinct. If it doesn’t kick in for you great, if it does then don’t deny it ;p
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Weekend Reads: Museums, Dating & Scandal Crushes | frijolita […] one. What happens when a woman thinks (or knows) she doesn’t want to have children? Some very silly things are said. As someone who’s on the fence, I struggle to find answers that make others feel okay about […]
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Julie I am a married mother with one toddler, and even having a kid (and LOVING it!) I know exactly where you’re coming from. You see, the stigma isn’t just on married women who don’t want kids at all, but also on we who don’t want more than one. I had a family member ask me a week after having our baby “SO! When’s the next one!?” It wasn’t funny then with dark bags under my eyes, and swollen, bleeding, blistered nipples (TMI? I could get more graphic if you like 😉 ), and I still don’t find it funny now, with slightly less dark circles, and calloused, no-longer-bleeding nipples.
My favorite question is “What is your daughter going to do when you two die and she has to do all the funeral arrangements on her own?” I have many choice answers to this. Many. If ever I start my own blog, I’ll list them for you. Oh, and we get the “You’ll change your mind” one too! I’m SO glad there’s people out there who can navigate my complicated brain patterns, because in all my sleep deprivation “I” certainly can’t!
There are many many reasons I only want one. Some are far too personal to share with strangers on a stranger’s blog, but here’s a few reasons for wanting to stop at one:
I want to start a small business: On hold until little miss is less grabby with my strait pins
I want to travel with my family: On hold because hubby wants our daughter to be “able to appreciate it”, so why on this blessed, crazy, mixed up PLANET, would I want to start over with a new one and have to put our travels on hold AGAIN until THAT baby can appreciate it too!?
I want a full 8 hours sleep without having to pass out at 9pm to get it: Yeah. That’s not happening any year soon with just the one, so why the heck would I want to press “restart” and go from my hard-earned 6 hours, back down to feeling lucky when hubby and I get two hours between the two of us?
So good for you for knowing yourself, good for you for knowing yourself so well as to find and fall in love with someone like-minded. That’s great. Keep it up!
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Ann I have a boyfriend who loves to have children. We have not married yet. But we both love each other very much. I love him so much because he saved my life.
He keeps nagging me to have children after we get marry. I feel so stressful, frightful and horrifying to hear that every day.
I had at least three big health trauma in the past 10 years. My health does not permit me to have healthy children. Also, I have more than 10 years insomnia. I just start to be able to sleep well the past few months. Like what Tamar said in her writing that she loves to sleep more than children. I do too!!! I want to have my own time. What she says in the above is exactly how I feel. But my boyfriend does not think the same way.I am a Christian. I had prayed to God to match me with the right person. He is a perfect match, such as education, ethnicity, ,family background and personality etc.. But it is a big surprise to me that he really wants children which hinder us to have a wedding. I don’t want to make him feel regret not to have children for the rest of our life. On the other hand, I don’t want to blame him for any big problematic issues that will come if we will have children. For instance, a baby born with health problem, or I might have serious health issue after delivery, such as cracked pelvis…
I really don’t know what to do with my boyfriend. But I am so happy to read Tamar’s writing. Otherwise, I think I am an “abnormal” woman who does not want to have children. But in fact there is at least one woman who think the same way as I do. How come God does not grant me a boyfriend like Tamar’s husband who does not want kid.
I love children. It is because I love children, so I don’t want to bring one more person to the world to suffer. And my boyfriend is not just asking to have one kid, but at least two. I have headache everyday. HELP!!! We cannot get marry, until this issue is solved.
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Ruth Dubb He is not a perfect match, not if he’s trying to make you do something you clearly do not want to do. Find another man, one who will respect your wishes.
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Ann Hi Ruth,
Thank you for taking your time to response to my frustration/concern. In fact I did think about breaking up with him many times. And I am sure that many of his friends including his parents have told him that we should separate.
I am stuck. He does not let me go and I do love him, but just don’t want children.
I cannot date anyone else because he knows all of my friends which are also his friends.
We have been like this for almost two years. We cannot move forward to get marry or separate either.I have never seen a man better than him. If he does not change his mind and does not let me go, I prefer to stay single because I am almost certain that there will be no man better than him. He saved my life so I am still here. Anyway, thank you for listening.
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Ruth Dubb I know you’re torn and it seems like you’ll never find anybody else but there’s a great big world out there with lots of possibilities you cannot imagine right now. You don’t have to limit yourself to this one man. You’ll meet more people, make more friends, meet guys who won’t pressure you to have children. And he does not have to let you go. You can go any time you want. You’re a free woman who has the right to do whatever you want. Allow yourself to be happy. Don’t just settle.
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Ann Well, I don’t deny what you are saying. Your opinion is certainly welcome and helpful.
I will update you if thing change.
Since I insist not to have children. May be he will dump me one day or we just separate. Because I am sure that his parents don’t like me. Who knows what will happen finally, since we have no commitment yet, I mean a marriage. Thanks again. Your opinion is greatly appreciate!!
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Paul There are many people who don’t have children. Some have no regrets, some do later in life.
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Abby I’m 28 and I cannot imagine (nor do I want to imagine) having to take care of a screaming infant. The thought causes me great anguish.
I’ve decided that if I ever become lonely enough, I can adopt a well-behaved 12 to 14 year old who might grow up to become my friend and hang out with me on Christmas. Not a bad idea, really. Help someone in need and gain a family member.
All I know is, I’m too cheap, self-absorbed, vain, and anxious to have a baby.
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Richard Well it is now Nov 28th and so much discussion on a sensitive subject. People underestimate the powerful emotion the topic causes.
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There is evolution and the mechanics for the species to survive. There is also self awareness. Choice in life, decision making and intelligence. Each human has the right to decide on how that life is lived. When the opposing genders decide to share two individual lives – emotionally – it does not conclude that the equation needs to become 3, 4 or 5+. Such is our success as a species we no longer ALL need to fulfill the requirement to create new humans. Homosexuality is, in the same vein (pardon), part of that life choice. It is amazing that two men or two women should take on board the life of a human (adoption) who may have a less fortunate start, abandoned or other. That is our real strength as a species, that we have a sense of community to each other, a respect of choice. This is were the pro-creators are wrong, we do not have to have children. We may choose to birth them as a privileged successful species. The rest, gay or straight, single or couple can choose to look after children unwanted or uncared for. Or not. The beauty of our evolution. We as a species will carry on to survive and die. We just get to choose, most of the time, if we really want to add to that. it is that simple.-
Ruth Dubb Amen to that!
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mae I agree with you totally!!!!! Especially with the brats that are been born thee days claiming to be children , what did Jesus called them oh i remember generation of vipers .
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Amanda Gremillion Don’t worry, if you had one kid people would do pretty much the same thing when you say you don’t want anymore. Happens to me all the time. I have not even decided for sure yet but might never have more than. I love my one like crazy but it is hard work!
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Mary Hi everyone,
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So, I’m finding myself in a pool with many women where before I thought I was standing alone on this topic. I’m 31 years old, happily married, biologically childless and sickly. I’ve been sick for 557 days and the Drs (neurologist, gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, rheumatologist, general practitioner) have yet to determine my case. I was very career-focused when I became sick and was giving back by hosting exchange students starting at the age of 28 when I was still single. I am a Christian and take very seriously God’s command to “subdue the earth and multiply”, but my husband who is twenty years older than myself believes it would be detrimental to my health although I have heard stories of pregnancy being very healing to a woman’s deficiencies. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I flip flop on this constantly and the agreement my hubby and I finally came to was, “Nothing to prevent and nothing to instigate so to speak.” if it happens then praise God. However my problem with that is the lack of planning. Thoughts? Pearls of wisdom to share? Another issue is that when I married I wasn’t a Christian, my hubby still isn’t, politically we cancel each others votes out, we differ on how to raise children, we view money differently and spend it on different things, etc. Just writing these things down and re-reading them it’s completely overwhelming. I think I’ll stick with my puppy and exchange students for now. -
Kaeli It really is a funny article. If you don’t want to have kids that’s completely yours and your husbands decision. But I feel their is condesending tone in the article that is hypocritical. Like those of us that want to have kids are stupid. Don’t do the very thing to others you don’t want done to you.
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Ruth Dubb She is quoting verbatim what people have said to her. If those people come off as stupid, it is their own fault for saying such things. And if you feel condescended to, it is possible you are not entirely secure in your decisions.
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Mónica There are so many unfit mothers… and when a tragedy happens, you can read everyone’s comment about how they shouldn’t be mothers. Think before you speak people, having kids is each person’s business, thumbs up for this lady. (And, yeah, I’m a mom!)
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cc Hi,
I’m 33, I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and happily married for 7. We have a great relationship and we both LOVE kids. We always talk about having kids “someday” but working hard and having much fun together, traveling the world, we start to realize that if “someday” we want kids, this has to be in the near future and not postponed by “someday”. So occasionally “KIDS OR NO KIDS”- topic comes up with family and friends and let me tell you they all have their opinion ready for you.
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This makes me nervous. All people want to push you in this direction or steer you into the other.
For my husband and I, we haven’t got this figured out just jet.
As I said, we have a solid and good relationship. Some people have kids because they want a new adventure in their life. Is it really? Or is it because after a while they don’t know what to say to each other anymore? Some people say it is because it the ultimate token of their love. Well, for me a token of love also can be a fresh cup of coffee in the morning! Maybe I just don’t get it. Anyway,…
What our (my husband and I) “problem” is, is the fact that we have some life experience when it comes to kids, and we are not naive. The fact is that it can be fun but it’s not all nice and it’s a more life changing (good and bad) than people sometimes expect.
Secondly it’s societies picture that makes it all harder. Face it, in an ideal world, you both have a career, a nice house, financial stability, time to exercise, a social life with lots of friends, you have time for family, you are engaged in the kids’ school, you have time to relax and have time for your partner and this all within a 24/7 time frame. SO when I look around with friends and family, and seeing them doing what society wants them to do, I admire them that they can cope with all the running, the many hours and the stress. That is why I want to ask you following question: “ Are you surprised that more and more people use anti-depressive medication?” That “ BURNED-OUT “ is a syndrome of this time? That all kids have ADHD? That people are less tolerant and more violent? Less patient?
As I said, we love kids and if you ask me there is no “right or wrong” answer to this question.
What we will do, well we don’t know yet, I’ll guess we answer the question like we always did “SOMEDAY”.
And for those who know so well you don’t want kids, … my respect that you know what you want!
For those who have kids,… instead of asking me why we don’t have any, let me reverse the question: WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS? 🙂 -
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Funbhabhi This is perfect! Take out the liter box and it could be my autobiography!!! I constantly have to remind people that there are several recipes for happiness. Why mess with perfection?
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