Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids
There will be no children in my future. Ever.
Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.
I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.
Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.
Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?
Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:
“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”
I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?
“You’ll change your mind.”
This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”
“But what will you do when you’re old?”
Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.
“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”
LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.
“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”
I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.
“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”
I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.
“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”
Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.
“Good for you!”
Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013.
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Read more by Tamar:
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240 Responses
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TueNight’s Best from 4 Months of Awesome | Tue Night […] Silly Things People Have Said To Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids […]
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Cait Trow I haven’t read every comment here because, quite frankly, there are just too many for me to spend my time on when I could be out having an incredible and childless adventure with my husband. I did, however, read enough to prompt this:
To Scott and anyone else who deems it not only appropriate but their business to claim that a happily married couple’s decision to not have children is suspect how would you feel if someone accused you of the same. One could make the reverse argument that your marriage must not have been happy and fulfilled if you needed children to a void. How could you possibly have been happy with the relationship you and your wife had if you needed to introduce new human beings to truly fulfill that bond?
If I thought like you, I might assume that my husband and I, as well as all the other brave couples who have made the conscious CHOICE to not have children, must love each other more than those who claim they We NEED children to make our bond worthwhile and meaningful. I would never make such and assumption, however, as that would be rude and ignorant.
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Cait Trow To fill* a void
Claim that* we
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Kristin This is so perfect in so many ways. I, too, get baraged with the same things you’ve mentioned here, and I’m honestly sick of it. People often ask why I feel so strongly about not having children, and my new response has become “My brother is 10 years younger than me, I feel like I’ve done my raising”. It works about 9 times out of 10, until I get that one who says “it’s different when it’s your own child”. Ok, whatever. Guess, I’ll never know.
Also, I completely agree with one point you made: I’m way too selfish to have children. Does it make me a horrible person to be selfish, or would I be more horrible to bring another human life into this world that I didn’t want? I feel as though I’ve made a very responsible decision in not wanting children. Thank you for being there to give us a voice!
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Carey Oh yes, I had sisters that were 9 and 10 years younger than I, whom I pretty much raised during the diaper phase. Then my mom tricked me into taking my sister when she was 16. That pretty much did it for my childbearing instincts. No kids for me, just cats, fish, plants, a garden, a social life, trips when I want, spending my time how I want, and not having to focus my whole being on another person.
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Sally @cc I’ll answer your question. I didn’t “decide” to have a child. It happened, and I am so so happy for it. My son was meant to be. He came at the most inconvenient time. And fleetingly, yes I have thought, “I wish I could time capsule this child for five years’ time.” But you don’t always get that choice. And it definitely is a fleeting thought – not one that ever lingers. It is my belief 100% that nobody is ever “ready” to have a child. There is no perfect time – it’s a massive inconvenience, no matter what! You can have the house, the career, the time, the travel out of the way etc., but no time in your life is “perfect” for the lack of sleep you will endure, the worry about what the future holds for your child, the agonising over parenting choices you make, the expense, the end to things you won’t do anymore – or will do less at least, the not being able to leave the house without planning and packing for any scenario. As unimaginable as it is to come up with a time that is “perfect” for any of these things, it’s equally – or more so – unimaginable once you have that child to be without them, struggles, inconveniences and all. I often wonder – and I’m not saying this is what you are doing personally – if when asked questions like this by people without children that they are waiting for someone to have a different response than the cliches you hear all the time. You won’t regret having your child when you do. You will work it all out as best you can. No, it probably won’t be perfect and you will probably strive to be better than you are as a parent forever, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s a noble goal, a worthwhile pursuit. Being a parent does change you. It does open your eyes and your heart to things you can’t imagine. You can be the best Aunty in the world (I actually was!), and be incredibly hands on and think you know kids… but you just don’t, not really, until you’re a mother. It sounds so arrogant and most of the time I hate hearing any parent say it, but I’m sorry to say it’s just a fact. You can’t have something so life-altering happen to you and not be given a different perspective and be forever changed.
Oh, and don’t stress about the ADHD thing and being burned out… I think as much as becoming a parent increases your capacity to love, it increases your productivity. I don’t know many children with true ADHD – I know plenty with parents who don’t discipline their poorly behaved children, though. Watch the Supernanny, you’ll be fine.
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Sarah @Miya yeah because THAT wasn’t passive aggressive at all…
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Vera P haha… kinda sounds like Alice is the one who is angry here. Not sure why–the author is sick of getting hounded by people who are rude to her about her decision. It’s the internet–an excellent place to vent if you ask me.
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MarlaWoods @Kaeli I don’t find it condescending at all and it doesn’t make me feel stupid. I have 3 kids, btw. The author of the article may feel that having kids IS stupid…for her, but that doesn’t mean she feels the people that DO have kids are stupid.
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Stargaze17 “You’ll change your mind.”- Not only do I hear that from friends or family, but from doctors as well. I’ve had some female issues and the option for a hysterectomy is there… but the doctors keep saying I’m too young and I might not want kids now, but I will later. This has been going on for years. I’m 30 now and they still think I shouldn’t. Really?! I’ve been saying no kids for the last 6 years docs. The feeling isn’t going to change.
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had two children Congratulations – you have considered yourself and made a decision that works for you and your family. I applaud your ability to look honestly at your desires and follow your path. Its a shame that not everyone can be so SELFLESS as to do what is right and instead have children for all the wrong reasons – to fix a marriage, to pass on traditions/bloodlines/family silver, to fill the void of self hate and loneliness left by parents who had children but were actually too selfish to raise them!!
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Redhead My husband and I are childless by choice too. It was a decision we made together and it works for us. Between siblings and step-siblings, we have 14 nices and 4 nephews- with more probably to come. We adore being an aunt and uncle to them and out friends’ kids.
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Five years at the age of 31, I had a tubal ligation and ablation due to serious ovarian issues.Best decision ever! So, even if I wanted to, I could not have a child. It was amazing how different the reacions have been. When I told people we were childless by choice, people give me shocked looks and various arguments. But I told people that I couldn’t have children, then the looks turned to pity- I was even told by a member of his family that we could “buy a baby.” -
jaclyn0803 I know this sounds silly, but I’m genuinely looking for an answer: What should you say to someone who doesn’t want to have kids? I can’t really pull off the “good for you” since I personally want a lot of kids, but at the same time, I can definitely respect that people have to make choices that are right for them. I also think that when I say, “I can respect that,” it kind of comes of condescending because I never seem to phrase it right, even if I’m not meaning to offend. So, folks reading my comments, what’s a good way to respond?
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skiekitty Hear Hear! Another DINK (Double Income, No Kids) here.. and I will NEVER regret it! My biological ticking time bomb got defused a few years ago and it was the BEST thing ever!!! LOVE IT! You go girl!! You’re not alone & it’s a great thing!!
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sunshineherbgarden I would say that for this woman, not having children is DEFINITELY the right choice. Her view of raising them is entirely negative, so it’s very good that she has none. If you don’t like something, don’t do it. So I definitely applaud her wise decision. My great-grandmother was not so wise. She actually hated children but had four and sent them away to boarding school every year and ignored them when they came home in the summers. So yes, don’t have children if you don’t want them.
However, don’t downplay the joys of having children, either — of those moments when they leave notes under your pillow or try to make breakfast for you, or turn into wonderful adults. Of course, there are the unpleasant moments, but don’t pretend that having children is always a drudge.
Also, I don’t think that the responses offered up in this article are any more ridiculous than the responses to “Why don’t you have kids?” Think of the woman who said, “Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?” Perhaps she spent years and years trying to have children, so to her, you’re wasting what she wished she could have had. Think of the people who said, “You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.” Maybe they worried they couldn’t afford children and are offering up what was encouragement to you. These people may not have understood how opposed some are to having children.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that either opinion (kids or no kids) is 100% fine with the right reasons. No need to bash people who don’t want kids, no need to bash those who do.
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fOb Why do you tell people you don’t want to have children? Why is that the business of others–even if they ask? When you reply, you invite comment–and when you invite comment, you aren’t able to control what others say to you. I think, personally, that it is a good thing that you are not having children. It is very clear that you don’t have patience with other people whom you cannot control, and I assure you that you cannot “control” children. Please do us all a favor and stick to your decision–because the last thing we need is yet another unloved child whose mother could not be bothered with him.
Perhaps you should be more honest: “I am not having children because I am unempathetic, controlling, and nasty in public about others who have opinions different from my own.” That ought to shut them up.
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Bunny As a person who feels the same, I LOVE what this author says. And, to the person who talks about being selfish…maybe it is a selfish attitude, but how amazingly grown up of the author to realize that working out her “sefishness” while raising a child isn’t going to do anyone a bit of good.
And, fOb…if this is the attitude and behavior that you think is ok to direct toward another person, I sincerely hope you don;t have children. And, if you do, I hope someone else is raising them. Teaching a child the attitude you show here is just as bad as what you accuse the author of doing.
And, also good for the author for having the courage to say “I don’t want kids” A LOT of the negativity is jealousy, directed toward those of us who choose not to have children…jealousy that we have the courage to live authentic lives and not be forced to do something we don’t want because of pressures of society. Especially when some of that pressure comes from people who want us to have children so we can be as miserable as they are. fOb, don’t worry…we know it is jealousy and we feel for you.
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Bunny @fOb Why wouldn’t she tell people she doesn’t want children? There is nothing wrong with feeling this way and there is no reason to lie…
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Bunny jaclyn0803 Why is good for you a problem? It is good for them. You are not saying you agree, or that you don;t want them yourself…just that it is good for the other person. Can’t see an issue. You can also say, “wow, I am totally the opposite”. HOnestly, any response that doesn’t have you looking at me like I am crazy, or telling me why I am wrong, or pointing out why kids are great is fine. I like kids. I have a photo on my desk of my nephew…I just have no desire for the photo to be of my own child.
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Bunny @Redhead I hear you. I am now 40 and have noticed that people who do not know me assume I don’t have kids because I was not able to. And, honestly, I rarely correct them. I am free to have a photo of my nephew, who I adore, on my desk without anyone saying how much better it is to have your own. I can laugh at a child story and no one asks me when I am going to have a child. So, do they assume I must have had something awful happen? Yes. But, I would honestly rather people assume there was a tragedy than deal with the people who think the tragedy was not having kids.
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a mom First of all, I would never ask a childless couple who I wasn’t very close to about their situation. It amazes me how so many people can have such a strong reaction to things that have absolutely nothing to do with them. admittedly, I can’t help thinking that if a couple is childless by choice there is some selfishness involved and i do believe that some of these couples will regret it someday BUT, i would never that to them. I actually admire their conviction to make the right decision for themselves and to not bring an unwanted child into the world. People who don’t want children and have them anyway are the truly selfish ones! This author seems to have a negative view of the the parent/child relationship which is sad because most kids don’t hate or resent their parents. it’s the only real example of unconditional love there is. The point is, like anything, people have to make decisions based on what’s right for them and no one should be telling them how they’re supposed to feel.
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