Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids
There will be no children in my future. Ever.
Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.
I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.
Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?
I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.
Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?
Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:
“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”
I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?
“You’ll change your mind.”
This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”
“But what will you do when you’re old?”
Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.
“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”
LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.
“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”
I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.
“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”
I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.
“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”
Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.
“Good for you!”
Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013.
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Read more by Tamar:
- Can We Please Stop Talking About Kale Now?
- Mad Men and Office Politics: Different Era, Same Drama
- Five Non-Carb Gifts for Carb Lovers
- Women Who Inspire: Jonatha Brooke
(Graphic: Kat Borosky/TueNight.com)
240 Responses
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AmyRachman I love this article. The bottom line is, what goes in and out of my vagina and uterus is nobody else’s business.
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AmyRachman @Bunny I’m almost 40, and I have had very similar experiences! In my case, I married into a giant family/community who are all about having kids. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years, and they’re so stumped. We love his relatives (and we adore kids, for that matter), but we have fun with our ambiguous responses when they bring up the issue.
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AuntHelenFromHawthorne @Scott bet you’re one of those guys who, in his twenties, just wanted to get laid and avoided girls who spoke about having kids like the plague. Now you’re all glowing and kumbaya about family life. LOL Get the hell out of here. .
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Michelle Why so defensive? Why do you have to resort to pointing out the negatives of being a parent (teenagers hating you, dirty nappies etc) in order to prove your point?
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miche the killer THIS. THIS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Well meaning
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parents who secretly subsist on Chardonnay & unaccomplished life
goals are going to get on this & get sand in their craws about how
you’re just so negative, but screw ’em. They’re the kind of obnoxious
people who say stuff like this and their kids probably hate them for all
their efforts & sacrifices. -
miche the killer jaclyn0803 probably by not thinking “good for you” is the same thing as “but not good for me, so therefore, not good.” You should grow to understand that “Good for you” is respectful when you mean “I am sincerely proud that you have made a conscientious decision and glad that you are feeling fulfilled in the life you have chosen.” If you don’t mean that when you say “Good for you”, then reassess, b/c you’re not as open to accepting other people’s family choices as you think.
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miche the killer @Julie right! someone else commented on this. it’s so much more refreshing than the constant banter of “but when you have one, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me” from parents. basically, nosy people will never learn to not be annoying, so don’t try to make them happy. good for you!
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miche the killer @Scoot really, this is pretty offensive of you: don’t talk to other adults like their simple. Let me school you, man who thinks he knows about maternal instinct- not everyone has those instincts.
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miche the killer @Carey Sreiously, it’s a comedy writing piece. Some people are no fun at parties, and those people usually become parents.
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miche the killer @Alice or it’s just her job to write shit & put it on the internet.
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miche the killer @mswatts oh god, go away.
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miche the killer @Thomas Yes, b/c not wanting children is inherited. There’s plenty of kids to go around, we’ll just adopt those & turn them against dicks like you.
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miche the killer @Jackie glad to oblige. Enjoy your life of indentured servitude to your offspring.
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sing4you All I can say is “Amen”! I knew at the age of 7 that I did not want children. I am now 61 and have NO regrets. I think raising children is a beautiful and noble thing but it is not for me. I did not get the “mother gene”.
So, enjoy, and don’t listen to people. Get that Bea outfit ready. As for me, I’m going to dress like her floozy friend.
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Winner12 @Ben Dover I can relate to your comments completely. Now that my mom has alzheimers, it is torture for me. I am taking care of her in ways she never did for me. There is no end in sight . I feel I was placed on this earth just to be abused by her in so many ways for my whole life now. I resent every birthday card, every mothers day card, every Christmas present. I do feel it’s all fake as I am being forced to give and give when I was abused, neglected, and resented growing up for only the reason of existing as the only child of a mentally unstable single woman.
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Saying Goodbye to Creepy Baby | Social Dashboard […] about silly things people say to Tamar and her other articles on TueNight. You can find her on Twitter […]
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Amanda S @fOb If she shouldn’t tell people that she doesn’t want children, I don’t want to hear a peep out of people who do want children. Runs both ways…
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