Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids

Tamar Anitai

There will be no children in my future. Ever.

Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.

I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.

I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.

Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?

I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me.

Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?

Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:

“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”

I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?

“You’ll change your mind.”

This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”

“But what will you do when you’re old?”

Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.

“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”

LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.

“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”

I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.

“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”

I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.

“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”

Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.

“Good for you!”

Thank you. Can’t say I disagree.

This piece was originally published on October 8, 2013. 

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Tamar Anitai

Tamar Anitai

Tamar Anitai has one husband, two cats, no kids, no car. Midwestern by birth, New Yorker by a 14-year act of stubborn defiance. Digital content strategist for a global agency, and essayist on the occasional off night. Rap game Bea Arthur. Yes, she wants see photos of your cat. @tamaranitai on social.

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240 Responses

  1. Editor’s Note: It’s Our Birthday, It’s Our Birthday! | Tue Night

    […] Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids […]

    Reply
  2. IAT

    GOOD for you! 🙂 It is your own choice not to have children, yes. But I will never understand you. NEVER! My child is the one thing in this life that I have done corectly and perfect. I am sorry for you guys beacuse you will never know what true love is, what is it like to have those beautiful little arms around you…Having children is a WOOOOOWWWWW. You should try it some day, and yes you will regret when you are gonna be allone, old with noone by your side 🙁 I AM Sorry for you.

    Reply
  3. deleted_52876091_mmashon

    IAT
    good for me, but you feel sorry for me? sorry that the only thing you
    did right in your life was something almost any woman can do. I hope you
    never understand me b/c you sound really simple. And no, I won’t try it
    someday and I WILL NOT die alone- I have friends and family, that’s a
    SICK thing to say to someone, so take it somewhere else, loser.

    Reply
  4. whatever

    IAT well, that’s predictable. good for me, but you feel sorry for me? I’m sorry that the only thing you
    did right in your life was something almost any woman can do and you can use it as some sort of justification for being here. I hope you
    never understand me b/c you sound really simple and dull. And no, I won’t try it
    someday (b/c it’s something you “try” for fun) so fuckyouverymuch. And I will not die alone- I have friends and family- that’s a
    SICK thing to say to someone- sort of like, “I sure hope your child doesn’t die before you”. So take it somewhere else, loser. sad face emoji.

    Reply
  5. whatever

    IAT
    good for me, but you feel sorry for me? sorry that the only thing you
    did right in your life was something almost any woman can do. I hope you
    never understand me b/c you sound really simple. And no, I won’t try it
    someday and I WILL NOT die alone- I have friends and family, that’s a
    SICK thing to say to someone, so take it somewhere else, loser.

    Reply
  6. surewhynot

    IAT Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to feel sorry for each other b/c having a kid to justify your life in which you got nothing correct and so you don’t die alone pissing yourself seems like really selfish, shallow reasoning. So good for you and all, congrats on putting together that one thought based on your own personal experience. I’ll go get pregnant right now since a total stranger says I should.

    Reply
  7. AmyRachman

    IAT So that’s the only thing you’ve ever done correctly? That’s really
    sad. Another mistake you made was being judgmental when you don’t know
    shit about my body or me as a loving person who works with disabled kids
    and is an amazing aunt. You don’t know my situation, nor about my
    personal definition of fulfillment. Are you my doctor or the boss of my
    life? God help your child with all the domineering expectations you
    have about how others should live their lives.

    Reply
  8. NoNonsenseNYer

    @whatever IAT Amen, whatever!!! It’s so sad when someone tries to shove her own personal definition of fulfillment up someone else’s ass…

    Reply
  9. OrderlyMind

    I’m 50 and I was one of those people who, when she was younger, people kept telling she’d change her mind later. My husband and I have been together for 27 years and we never had children, though he initially felt he would want to have kids when we first got together. These days, we walk around saying, “I’m so glad that we didn’t have kids.” In fact, he says it more often than I do. We have no regrets about not having children.

    For me (and my husband), the issue has been about how we grow psychologically. I think children provide opportunities for growth that is very different than the type that you get without them. Having them offers a certain perspective on life which is of value to those who want it, but some people neither need nor want that perspective.

    As someone who grew up a very parentified child (a child who prematurely was made an adult in the family and forced to care for parents with psychological issues – a common experience in families with substance dependent adults like alcoholics), I had no desire to assume this role once I left my family of origin. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more oppressive for me personally. From the age of 12 to 22, I was already a “parent” of sorts to my parents. Those who grew up differently, have different priorities, and different needs may find children enriching and fulfilling.

    When people tell child-free couples that they will change their mind or encourage them to reconsider, they are betraying a lack of ability to inhabit any perspective on life other than the one they possess. I can’t imagine this myopia makes for parents who can serve their children particularly well. There are many perspectives and varying needs and lifestyles. I can respect that there are people who find children a wonderful and desirable part of their lives. All I ask is that they respect that some of us don’t find them so.

    Reply
    • Carey

      I, too, was a “parentified” child; my mom had babies 9 and 10 years after I was born. Then I essentially wound up taking care of them. Changing diapers, feeding them, taking them with me everywhere, all the responsibilities of parenthood without actually bearing children. Then at 26 my mom tricked me into having my teenaged sister live with me (sent her down for a “visit” then claimed I had agreed to take care of her), so I got to be a 26 year old parent to a teenager.

      So yeah, no kids for me. The only time I regret it is when I lose my remote control. 😛

      Reply
  10. Narelle

    I just tell them I can’t since you aren’t allowed to beat them anymore. That usually shuts them up…

    Reply
  11. Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com

    So, so, so true! As a babyboomer who choose to be child free many years ago I completely agree with all your answers to the questions people ask. And to those who say, “It’s selfish to not have children!” I say that in many cases the most selfish thing people do is to have kids when they really only want them to serve as accessories to their lifestyle or to take care of them when they grow old. While I would never minimize the work and commitment raising a healthy child requires, I also insist that people who have kids should not minimize my contribution to the Universe either. Different paths for different people for sure. Thanks for being so vocal about this!

    Reply
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  14. calladus

    My wife and I will never have kids either. We don’t have them now, and never will.

    Good for you!

    Reply
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  16. Christy

    I laughed at the first paragraph because you mentioned your husband having amazing hair, and my long term boyfriend’s amazing hair is one of the reasons that I got with him. I have always known that parenthood was not for me. I had an abusive childhood as well. The difference is that my father was my abuser, mentally, physically, and sexually. I have never been able to be around children comfortably because they trigger my PTSD and anxiety attacks easily. My boyfriend does not like being around children either. Neither of us actually hate children. We just can’t be around them. I keep getting told that I will change my mind or that I would be a great parent. To be honest, I like my sleep and somewhat stable mind too much to have kids. Most of the girls I know want or already have kids, but I refuse to hop on that train.

    Reply
  17. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Reply
  18. A Vivid

    So- my husband and I married older and we are happily “one and done.” We love our daughter and to us, our family feels complete. And yet people have told me that we “have to” have more children. I am guessing that they will be around to help me feed, clothe, nurture and educate the multiple children I “have to” have. Here is the thing about siblings though- some sibling relationships are great and some are downright abusive. A lot of people have a hard time stepping out of their own minds amd personal experiences and so when someone makes a different choice they interpret that other person’s personal choice as an attack on their own. It happens all the time. Kudos to you for knowing your own mind.

    Reply
  19. 30 yrs a single mom

    Most women have no experience living on their own and remain in a “taken care of state” via the mother archetype, willingly quite often in the Midwest. Not all are born into families who are helpful, or graced with stable jobs and living quarters. It is also a maternal decision to plan with reproductive capabilities, not just let biology rule if you are one of the more conscious. Thank you for being a married woman who does not feed on my personal life in the first few days I meet her, and “need to know, and judge me according to how many kids I have etc…..

    Reply
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