She’s an artist, an educator, a model, a DJ, a singer, a writer and for many a muse — Crystal is undoubtedly a modern renaissance woman. These days she writes for The Z Review, sings in a monthly tribute show with F*BOMB at Arlene’s Grocery, and has her own Prince Purple Rain tribute band. In her own words, she’s a “magnet for all kinds of crazy, always smells like fresh flowers, and is waiting for the right guy to show up, man up, and make a semi-honest woman outta me”. Crystal had us all in stitches with her love of Seinfeld quotes at last month’s TueNight Live: 90s Bitch. Here’s her TueNight 10:
1. On the nightstand: A bottle of water, the TV remote, my signature necklaces, and my limited edition, highly sought after, collectible, Flava Flav alarm clock, SIGNED BY FLAV HIMSELF. It wakes me up by yelling, “YEAAAAAAAAHHHH BOYYYYEEEE!” No joke.
2. Can’t stop/won’t stop: Cutting the neck out and the sleeves off of my t-shirts because they’re too constricting. I think this is why people always ask if I’m a Rock Star, because I’m okay with looking unkempt in a “cool” way. Also, cursing like a sailor. Fuck is one of my favorite words. And I always say “cock” not “dick.” There’s a difference.
3. Jam of the minute: I’ve been listening to The Sex Pistols song, “No Feelings” nonstop, because I’m singing it in the F*BOMB show at Arlene’s on Saturday August 25th.
4. Thing I miss: Sleeping. My insomnia is ridiculous. As Cosmo Kramer would say, “I’m on NO sleep, NO SLEEP!”
5. 90’s crush: Jerry Seinfeld. I LOVE a smartass who loves to eat cereal for dinner.
6. Current crush: I’m literally off of men for a while. Dating STINKS in this city, I QUIT!
7. Will whine about: Why I attract men who are mental patients and the sexual harassment I endure from assholes on the street.
8. Will wine about: Good things that happen, hanging out with my Homegirls and laughing a lot.
9. Best thing that happened yesterday: Talking with my sister, like I do every day!
10. Looking forward to: Writing a book about being a professional Muse, turning it into a TV show, and getting wealthy so I can just hire male concubines and call it a day.